I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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