And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
