sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
