i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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