I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
