I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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