grandma shit on top of the toilet
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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