If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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