he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
