I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
