I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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