he was CRYING into my vagina
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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