i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
