My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
