I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
