If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
