thus making me awesome and them whores
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The power of my boobs compel you
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
