I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
