I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
