There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
