So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
