let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
