your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
They are going to name an STD after you.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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