dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
