i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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