I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
