went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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