Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole a fireplace last night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize