If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
