I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
