So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
