i already hear my dad disowning me
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
