when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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