I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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