there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
