sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
