theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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