so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
