Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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