dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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