what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
worst night to have a conscience
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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