Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
