I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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