My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
