my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
