Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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