I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
