Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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