No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
