It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
4 words: hood of his car
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
