I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
