you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
