Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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