Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
