How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
sarcasm needs its own font
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
