I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
